Smart
Thu 6 July 2006

Big Bluffer: Day 8

So finally I get to choose who to ejaculate from the Big Bluffer house. (Thanks for stepping in at short notice yesterday, Chris).

My first choice is the last remaining ITV pundit - Big Ham Salad Rice of Bolton. I often wonder if he is watching the match or looking up Gabby Logan’s skirt, as some of the comments he makes seem to be out of context to the match itself and what the other pundits are saying. Perhaps he is too busy seeing which veteran African player he can sign? Or perhaps he is still miffed that he didn’t get the England job? The FA have told him he didn’t get it, didn’t they..?

Alan Hansen is the next out of the door. Popular as he may be with his cheeky Scotch wit, I find him a bit too smug, and kind of enjoy it when comments are proved to be wrong - often spectacularly so.

I have always had my ‘doubts’ about Hansen, and they were pretty much confirmed about 2 or 3 years ago. I went to see Spurs v Liverpool on the opening day of the season and Naybet had a great game for Spurs. That much was obvious from the applause he was getting – and not just from me. That night I watched the highlights on ‘Match of the Day’, where the Scotch (t)wit decided to slate Naybets performance. In disbelief, I decide to check out the comments and reviews in the morning papers, and low and behold Naybet was man-of-the-match.

Since then I have listened to what he has said waiting for him to put his foot in it. My favourite of this World Cup has to be on the opening day, when he was asked by Gary Lineker who he thought would lift the trophy this year. With great joy and slightly too much smugness, he proceeded to totally write off the Italians …

To top it all, when he talks I keep looking at the scar on his face. I know I shouldn’t, but I cant help it - its mesmerising. It reminds me of the Lee Evans 'Sleeping on a pillow' sketch. How I’d love Hansen to run around the studio screaming “I’VE BEEN SLASHED!!!”

Hansen does have his uses and makes me chuckle. Unfortunately for him, it’s for the wrong reasons.

Be gone – the pair of you. Close the door on the way out.

That leaves us with just FOUR ‘Bluffers’ …

Gary Lineker
Martin O'Neill
Gordon Strachan
Alan Shearer

… and its upto Kedge now to whittle them down to the final two. Choose wisely young Kedge...

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