The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire

Alternate Endings

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 252 - 23 Jun 2008
Scotland and England fans

Nothing could possibly go wrong

Cristiano Ronaldo

"Sorry mate, your media profile's just not high enough."

Fabio Capello

Who the hell is that?

What if England and Scotland had made it to Euro 2008

Today would have been a day of national mourning - the day shop owners sweep up the broken windows, BMW owners fill in their vandalism claim forms and A&E departments took a rest after a 36-hour shift. For today would have been the hangover for England's inevitable Quarter final exit from Euro 2008. Allow the Onion Bag to take you on a journey to this point...

17 October 07 - Scotland and England get through tricky away visits to Georgia and Russia respectively - both teams confirm qualification in their final group games. Sales of official FA umbrellas soar.

21 May 08 - The Onion Bag launches its Euro 2008 pull-out, Lucy Pinder and Lorraine Kelly represent the home nations.

23 May 08 - John Terry flown immediately to FA's new psychological rehabilitation centre after missing crucial spot kick in Champions League final. Media maintain constant vigil at the gates.

25 May 08 - The official England song Buy the shirt by Girls Aloud and The Streets reaches number one in the charts on ringtone downloads alone; seven non-authorised England songs are also in the top ten. Lulu and The Proclaimers' Oh no, please no, not again charts at 26.

28 May 08 - Massive increase in the demand for polyester sees oil prices hit record levels, no one seems to mind.

7 June 08 - Tournament excitement brings nation to a halt, 18 million watch opening ceremony. Pre-kick off news that Cristiano Ronaldo has penned a new four year deal with Manchester United goes largely unreported.

9 June 08: Scotland v Romania - Drawn in the same group as the Dutch and the Italians, Scotland need all they can from this opening fixture. They lose 3-0.

14 June 08: England v Greece - Grinding out their second 0-0 of the tournament, McClaren's men remain bullish after what is described as the most tedious match in history. 29 million watch.

17 June 08: Scotland v Italy - A wonder-strike from James McFadden sees Scotland cause one of the upsets of the tournament by beating much fancied Italy. Unfortunately, news from Berne confirms the Scots are denied a quarter final place on qualification co-efficents.

21 June 08: England v Netherlands - Memories of Stuart Pearce in Euro 96 are evoked as John Terry bravely steps up to take the final crucial spot kick to see England through to the semi-finals...

Sp3ktor
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