Lowe: Hoddle not the man he was

Fears have grown over the mental stability of Hollywood B-lister and Chairman of Southampton, Rob Lowe after he made claims that former Saints boss Glenn Hoddle left to join Tottenham Hotspur because he had been replaced by his evil doppelganger from the Star Trek mirror universe.

Trekkie Lowe is convinced that the man who left the club is not the man currently being touted to replace the jolly scot Gordon Strachan. "If Hoddle returns to us I'm sure it will be the good one not the evil goatee beard wearing one that left us."

Orange Sherbert

The Onion Bag reporters set their faces to stunned at this news, when we asked how this replacement happened Lowe became vague, admitting that he didn't know but it was probably a transporter accident.

Lowe denied the fact that he had approached Hoddle and it has emerged that the rumour came from a leak within the club. Apparently Lowe's diary had an entry that was read as "1.00pm - Lunch with Gordon, christian's later" which was interpreted as being a secret meeting with the celebrity God-botherer and former England coach. In reality, it was merely a note to remind the former brat-packer Lowe that after lunch he was meeting with his Hollywood pal and Austin Powers co-star, Christian Slater.

Not as we know it

Slater has neither confirmed nor denied his interest in taking on the role of manager at the club, it hasn't stopped bookmakers slashing the odds of the star of True Romance taking over at St Mary's to 4-1. His agent told the Onion Bag "Christian is keeping his options open at the moment, but he's an adaptable artist and would love a chance at soccer management."