Freedom of squeak

Premier League chiefs are delighted to announce that they have struck a sponsorship deal for the last six nail-biting games of the season. With the prospect of one of the closest conclusions to the top flight in many years, the marketing men have been keen to cash-in.

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This stage of the season is popularly known as Squeaky Bum Time - from the unpleasant sounds and noxious gases produced by professionals and supporters alike as the chase for silverware reaches its climax.

"We want everyone to enjoy the final act of this season," marketing guru Ernesto Cockgroupier told intrepid Onion bag report Larry Gak. "But we're more than aware of its association with squeaks and toots, that's why we're delighted to announce that the launch of the Wind-eze Run-in."

Air biscuits

Wind-eze is the over-the-counter cure for excessive farting, and comes recommended by the National Association of Marriage Guidance Counselors. It is estimated that during the recent Champions League quarter final between Liverpool and Chelsea, 47 million litres of gruesome guff were discharged across the country. The sheer number of matches lit to dispell the fetid stench equates to three acres of Scandinavian pine forest.

Crawled up and died

Supporter activist Les Dyke welcomed the move: "It can be pretty grim in the stands come the end of the season - thanks to all-seater stadia there's no escape if someone lets rip. I've seen grown men reduced to tears at the unholy fug. This deal has been building up for a long time but looks like they followed through in the end."