Only Jol-king

Mild mannered gentle giant Martin Jol was anything but, when the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak interviewed him after being booted out of White Hart Lane. He attacked his players for using national stereotypes to mock the Dutchman and undermining his tough guy image.

Second sequel syndrome

"I was alwaysh having de micky taken out of me by da playersh," he told the Onion Bag while standing in an easyjet check-in queue at London's Gatwick Airport. "Every day Jermaine Defoe would turn up and shay: 'Awright boshh. Smoke anna pancake? Smoke anna pancake? Geddit?' Den all the other playersh would laugh and make out like they're smoking weed. If I got angry they'd jusht shay 'relaaaaaaaaksh maan' and take an imaginary toke on their pretend shpliffsh."

Spray that again?

"They don't undershtand that most Dutch people are incredibly uptight and have a lot of trouble relakshing. Shome of us are really quite arrogant. Now that cannibish is de-criminalished many more are uptight, arrogant and bi-polar. Almosht every Dutchman I know hash gone on at leasht one drug-induced rampage, usually after smoking a crack-lashed joint and having an argument with the misshush."

Land of hope and glory

"And whatsh with thish conshtant fashinashion wid my akshent?" he continued. "I hate it when people try to imitate it. After a while people shtart shounding like they're Shouth African. It'sh like when you do the Welsh accent and you end up shounding like those browned up actors playing Indiansh in It Ain't 'Alf Hot Mum. It's not funny and actually quite offensive."

Be warned

Jol, who plans to spend his compensation on a farm and a shotgun, reserved most of his bile for that guy who does impressions of him on the unfunny weekly fans football show Fanbanta. "If I shee dat guy I'm going to kill him. I'll rip hish throat out and put hish head on a pike neksht to my garden gate. Him and everyone who watchesh dat show. Everyone."