Jimmy's shoes

A seventies football comic has emerged as the leading culprit in the scandal involving Teddy Sheringham and a dethroned beauty queen.

Choo's life

The octogenarian West Ham striker says he was duped by the swimsuited gold-digger, Danielle Lloyd, into buying a £7000 pair of shoes: "She told me she wanted a pair of Jimmy Choo's - I thought she said Jimmy's Shoes. I was convinced they must be magic - just like Billy's Boots. Well, why else would they have been seven grand?"

Billy, from the comic strip in Tiger, was the luckiest boy in Melchester. He was able to cheat at football by wearing a pair of boots possessed by the soul of long dead footballer "Dead Shot" Keen.

Poor judge

"When I saw her wearing them I was mesmerised. Whoever Jimmy was, he must have been a great beauty queen," Sheringham explained to intrepid Onion Bag reporter, Larry Gak. "I simply had to vote for her and tell all the others on the Miss GB judging panel to do the same. It must have been the magic shoes - that or all the sex we were having."

"Unfortunately this is all too common," a spokeswoman for Age Concern commented. "Vulnerable, elderly people are often swindled by young thieves who gain trust and access to their homes, only to rob them of old biscuit tins full of money to spend on stupid shoes, and getting them to rig beauty contests for them."

Torn off a strip

In a statement, the Miss GB organisers explained their position on the matter: "We are taking back the crown because it appears she shagged one of the judges and she gets her jubs out for all and sundry. How on earth is anyone expecting a supermarket to be opened going to take her seriously." An interregnum committee of leading civil servants has taken over the duties of Miss GB.