The elbow's not for turning

Aging Conservatives have leapt to the defense of under-fire Manchester City bruiser Ben Thatcher.

The huge volumes of negative publicity surrounding the ferociously violent incident in the match against Portsmouth last week, has led to a number of old and confused former cabinet ministers steadfastly standing in their support of the thuggish left-back.

Nurse, it's full again

Talking between medication in his Bournemouth nursing home; former Trade and Industry Minister and early-adopting secretary shagger, Cecil Parkinson told the Onion Bag: "It's all very well remembering how he elbowed three million people out a job, but you must also remember how his elbow's smashed the unions' stranglehold over British industry and how he elbowed the Argies out of the Falklands."

Very much not-dead Michael Heseltine echoed his support: "Pedro Mendes? What sort of name is that? Sounds like an Argy to me!"

At the sharp end

Former Party Chairman Norman Tebbit, coughed his support for the defender's indefensible action by saying: "I grew up in the 1930s with an unemployed father. He did not riot. He got on his bike and looked for people to elbow, and he went on looking until he found someone."

One notable breakaway, Baron Howe, had earlier shown his support for Thatcher, but decided, in a brief moment of lucidity, that the fellow had been a complete git and told him as much. "It is rather like sending your opening batsmen to the crease, only for them to be elbowed in the face by their left-back" he mumbled mixed-metaphorically.

Spanish (Jeffrey) Archer

Speaking from his underground lair, former Blair favourite Peter Mandelson reiterated his view that: "We're all Thatcherites now." A view which, sadly, is probably true.