"Diags are balls lobbed to the corner flag, not a stripe flashed across the torso."

Terry, The Sash Movement, 2 May

The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire

fifa coke scandal

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 149 - 19 Jun 2006

Pepsi: Conflict of interest

Coke: In the interest of balance

Pepsi & Shirlie: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Official takes the Pepsi challenge

A FIFA executive committee member has been caught selling cans of Pepsi out side Stadiums after World Cup games. This is in direct contravention of the football authority's code of practice.

Ernesto Cockgroupier is responsible for the return of all match-day ticket stubbs to FIFA HQ for processing and security checks. To supplement his income he'd set up a hot dog stand selling the offending soft drink.

Superman Returns

Pepsi's rival Coca Cola are an official partner of the World Cup and are said to be bubbling over with fury at the news that a FIFA official was flogging the lip smacking thirst queching cola drink on the side. "This is an outrage!" said Coke spokesman Santa Claus while delivering a keynote speech of an international conference of club mascots in Hanover.

The unreal thing

"We paid millions of US dollars just to be able to use the words Cup, World & FIFA in our marketing and all we've got out of it so far are some crappy advertising hoardings that were left over from the English Championship. Then we find that one of FIFA's boys is pushing cans of the oppo right outside the ground. Its a disgrace."

Form

This latest scandal follows on from news that another FIFA official was forced to quit for re-selling World Cup tickets at triple their value plus allegations of high level corruption. The whole incident has left Coke with a foul taste in their mouths.

Cupsploitation

Cockgroupier himself is unrepentant. "I was only paid $1 for every ticket stubb I picked up off the floor. I cleared less than a Togolese football player. As far as I'm concerned I was well within my rights to set up shop in my own time. My conscience is clear."

Heartache

Coca Cola are now claiming a breach of contract because of the errant hotdog stand and its contraband-in-a-can and want their sponsership money back. Pepsi meanwhile are set to capitalise on the incident by reviving 80's pop sensation's Pepsi & Shirlie who will perform live in one of the World Cup ghetto's set up for low income England fans. Alchohol will be provided.

Duffman