That Bates Column In Full

Here, for the first time, The Onion bag has obtained a full transcript of Ken Bates final programme notes that were controversially pulled and led to Ken stepping down as Blues Chairman...

From the pen of Ken

I have been giving some considerable thought to the recent expansion of the European Union and its affect on our lives here in west London and I can tell you I'm quite worried.

Firstly I'm not happy about all these eastern Europeans from Crustonia or Seagullbaria or whatever they are called (gyppo's most of them) coming over here with their mad gypsy ways stealing from us and settling up camp wherever they fancy.

When I first took over at Chelsea their were a bunch of these Gyppo types on the pitch at Stamford Bridge setting up markets and making bonfires. I got Kerry Dixon out there with a shotgun and we saw them off pretty quick I can tell you.

I say we stop these eastern Europeans from crossing our borders at once. Especially the Russians. God how I hate those Russians.

As for Asylum Seekers. Well... don't get me started on them.

Nubile

With the threat of eastern blood infiltrating our own in what I call "The Clash of East and West" I propose that we counter this with a controlled breeding program of pure blooded west Londoners especially selected to breed a race of super humans who will lead the flotsam and jetsom of impure beings in the rest of this once great nation and in Europe.

This Chelsea Master Race as I shall call them will be produced from the seeds of west London's finest and beardiest with fit young nubile girls, preferably from the regions media industry.

This is a difficult challenge but I for one am looking forward to it.