Luvviepool

Liverpool bosses have turned to the literary giants of the city to write an impassioned plea to UEFA to allow them to defend their hard fought Champions League crown.

Culture

Chief Executive, Rick Parry explained the decision to Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "Frankly, we’re desperate – we need the money, and let’s face it, there’s no way we can get into the competition by playing well enough all season to finish in the top four."

He continued, "What with Liverpool being the European Culture Capital in 2008 we thought it best to let our great writers make our case for us."

Bread and Black Stuff

Alan Bleasdale, writer of hard-hitting dramas such as Boys from the Black Stuff and GBH, leapt at the opportunity. "We start at the docks," explains Bleasdale. "Stevie Gerrard and all his mates have been laid off, thanks to Thatcher."

Writer of jokeless comedies like the Liver Birds, Carla Lane, has also submitted a script: "it's about Tracey, a working class mother sitting in her kitchen contemplating the futility of her existence while her laid-off docker husband watches the European Cup Final on the family TV."

Kewell on the Hill

Sir Paul McCartney has re-written his classic hit "Pipes of Peace" and filmed a new video to include Carragher et al as First World War soldiers playing football in no man's land. The opening sequence has Harry Kewell being shot for desertion.

A decision on which submission will be presented to the UEFA panel is expected next week, the current favourite is thought to be a pole dance by lads mag favourite, Jennifer Ellison.