Tail Bentos

Carlos Tevez has accused Manchester United of leaving him feeling unwanted and unloved as Sir Alex Ferguson casually revealed that the Argentine forward has a tail.

"He's got this weird little protrusion sticking out of the base of his spine," revealed Ferguson while attending the opening of the Taggart ride at Alton Towers.

Concealed shame

"He has to tie it around his waist for matches because he's a bit embarrassed by it, and I'm not surprised. I know he was raised by wolves or whatever but that's mental," the Scot continued after earlier necking more than a few drams.

When quizzed on Tevez's future the purple-nosed pensioner said:

"There are rumours that Carlos is unhappy at United but I know he wants to stay. I can see how happy he is from how much his tail wags in training. Honestly it's like fetch, every time John O'Shea hoofs the ball forward he's after it like a shot and anyone nearby gets a nasty whip in the groin."

Vote of confidence

Tevez is said to be deeply hurt by what he sees as a betrayal of confidentiality.

"It took me a long time to build up the self confidence to reveal my secret. Now I feel I have not been treated as a member of the family. I do not feel wanted. I feel bad over my situation, I do, but it's very, very difficult to stay any longer," the striker said.

He went on to reveal that such insensitivity towards the players' feelings is not an isolated incident.

Naming conventions

"He always refers to Ji-Sung Park as Gung Ho, even though he knows that is not his name. Maybe it is British humour but I don't get it. Why call him by a name that is not his name? I think he is jealous that we can run around and he can't."

This morning in the sober light of day Ferguson said only:

"I never said that, I'm not talking to you anymore."