no laughing matter

The world of soccer was astonished to learn that the Onion Bag had no plans to publish a hilarious and bitingly satirical article about the 20th anniversary of the Hillsborough Stadium Disaster.

Don't look at me

The Bag's crack(pot) team of writers couldn't find anything remotely funny about the 96 people who were crushed to death that afternoon in 1989. They also could find no mirth in the way in which the police and football authorities weaseled their way out of any responsibility for what happened.

Alive & kicking

The experienced satirists found very little humour to extract from a devastating moment in football's history. They also saw nothing satirical in an event which resulted in the end of terracing, the pricing of low income supporters out of the game and paved the way for the soulless, greed infested cesspit that English club football has become today.

Frank

The Onion Bag's top PR guru, Ernesto Cockgroupier, apologised to the site's loyal readership of embittered Generation Xers, post-modern students and lost Onion readers for not penning a spiteful and ultimately meaningless attempt to lampoon the gut wrenching tragedy. "All we can do is offer our best wishes to those who are grieving" he said in an unprovoked attack of sincerity.

Walking the line

Cockgroupier also denied reports that a Hillsborough piece had actually been written but was pulled at the last minute. "If such a Bag existed it would have been confined to the Forbidden Bags Vault along with 'Heysal Bricklayer Denies Shoddy Workmanship' and 'Munich Pilot's Botched Mile High Club Attempt Revealed'."