Carlos goes to the bar

West Ham have hired former striker Carlos Tevez as their lawyer to defend them against legal action caused by himself.

The Hammers have just had to pay off Sheffield United after escaping relegation from the Premier League in 2007 at the Blades expense. This was thanks, in part, to Tevez who, it turned out, wasn't allowed to play. Following the out of court settlement, a number of other disgruntled parties have taken legal advice from reputable solicitors and plan to sue West Ham for loss of earnings, despite a lack of legal precedent.

Ifs and buts

Former Blades boss Neil Warnock is thinking of suing West Ham on the grounds that were it not for Tevez, he would still be a Premier League manager. Meanwhile, some Sheffield United players are taking legal advice on a similar basis. Those players are also being sued by Warnock who believes that had they not been rubbish, he would still be in the job. Both West Ham and the Blades players plan to call upon the Sheffield United board to testify to the contrary.

The money was resting in my account

Next up is Leeds chairman Ken Bates. He wants compensation for losing out on additional payments for players sold to the Yorkshire club based on Premier League survival. Bates plans to use the law firm Bates, Kates, Yates & Co, a company registered in the Cayman Islands. They will subcontract out to a small firm of contingency lawyers in Leeds. It is understood that the six figure legal fee will be charged to Leeds United but back dated to when the club was in administration so should only be repayable at 10p in the pound.

On the nod

Tevez will relish the new challenge after his career as a footballer took a nose dive when he moved to crisis club Manchester United. While the Law Society has yet to receive the striker's licence to practice law, they have taken his word for it and said he can go ahead anyway.