Binge tanner Jordan

Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan has announced that he will be leaving the club after an annual audit uncovered excessive electricity bills hidden at the back of the chairman's drawer.

Jordan was forced to reveal all at a hastily arranged board meeting a week past next Wednesday and in a candid interview with our man on the spot, Barry del Torro, Jordan broke down and confessed to being a binge tanner.

You toughed them last

Jordan told us "I know I have a problem and to be honest, I hid the leccy bills in the vain hope that they would just go away. But when that bastard Dowie funked off to Charlton, I got a mate of mine to take the bills round to the press conference and hand them to Dowie. I hoped that him being last to touch them would mean he was responsible for them".

Fan's of the club are sure to be angered by the revelations that Jordan has a state of the art sunbed in his office and has been gleaning free power for a number of years now. Fan's spokesperson Charlie Farley from Orlando told us: "We are angered by the new's that Jordan has been gleaning free power for years. The thought of our money subsidising his tan make my melanoma split".

Other paints are available

Jordan's fraud only came to light when Dulux Paints Inc were asked to colour match Jordan's skin tone for Mrs Doris Whittingshall of Penrith. Doris told us "I approached Dulux to see if they could match Jordan's skin as I desperately wanted to paint my lounge the same colour but sadly they were unable to do it. So they contacted Crystal Palace to see if they could help. Now the poor boy is in trouble for not paying the electricity bill, I feel terrible".

Nikegate

Jordan's last act as palace chairman was to ban the local rag for taking issue with the club's new kit design. Fans are angry that the proposed new kit is inspired by the Dutch national team.

In a totally unrelated story West Brom manager Tony Mowbray has admitted, "I am not a handsome man".