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The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire

Draw no more

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 277 - 15 Dec 2008
Ecclestone: big ideas

Ecclestone: big ideas

F1 Pit Babe: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

F1 Pit Babe: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Boots: One make, one model

Boots: One make, one model

Ecclestone: Winner should take it all

Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone says he is determined to apply his proposal for a change in the points scoring system in motor racing to football as well. Just three weeks ago, Eccelestone caused controversy by suggesting that F1 organisers should scrap the current points system and instead award medals to those drivers finishing first, second or third. Now the motor racing supremo and co-owner of Queens Park Rangers has admitted a similar system could work in football too.

"The thing I dislike about Formula 1" said Ecclestone "is the way too many drivers are not bothered about winning and are happy to settle for a point or two. The same can be said for football. Many teams are content with earning a draw and this is preposterous. I think the rules should be changed, and to that end I've come up with a plan that shows how this could be achieved."

Liverpool, dix points...

In a document submitted to the Football Association by Ecclestone this weekend, he proposes that a replica World Cup trophy should be awarded to any team that wins a match outright. Any team which loses or draws a game receives no points and more importantly no trophy.

"It's quite simple really" said Ecclestone. "If you don't win, you get nothing. I thought there might be room to implement a points scoring system based on the one we've had in Formula One over the last few years, but ten points for a win and eight points for second in each game seemed a bit ridiculous to me."

One size fits all

Ecclestone's involvement with QPR is said to have increased his interest in football no end and has led to a raft of suggestions being made that he feels would improve the sport. These include a limit on the amount of overtaking any player can do when pursuing an opposing player on the pitch, an increase in the amount of advertising each player can display on their kit and the standardisation of boots that are allowed to be worn by all players during the course of a season.

"This last point is particularly important, I feel" said Ecclestone. "Not everyone can be a hot-shot striker or a fast-paced winger, so I intend to give all players a fair chance. There should be one official boot manufacturer, one model of boot and also one size of boot. If a player suffers extreme discomfort from wearing a boot that's too big or too small, that's tough."

Football Association executives have promised to review the new proposals over the next few weeks and are likely to make a statement on their viability "if and only if we can bothered", an official spokesman said.

Chris O

Sound Of Football 105 - Talismanic footballers

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