Rio's Final Tap

Chelsea have categorically denied their interest in signing the best players in the world. Following fierce criticism from rivals Manchester United and Arsenal, Chelsea have issued a statement denying their interest in stripping down their vanquished foes.

400 miles

Chelsea, already under scrutiny from football officials and the media for an alleged illegal approach to Ashley Cole were this week accused of the same offence when their Chief Executive was seen sharing dinner with Manchester United's, Rio Ferdinand.

Kenyon has told reporters that he was upholding a long time commitment to have dinner with Pini Zahavi, Ferdinand's agent, when entirely coincidentally the Manchester United defender turned up at the busy London restaurant to collect some paperwork. "You know what these professional footballers are like" laughed Kenyon. "They think nothing of making a 400 mile round trip to make sure all their filing is in order."

Mobile schmobile

When asked whether or not he had heard of fax machines Rio replied "I have trouble with this modern technology, I'm always forgetting to turn my mobile phone on."

Later, Chelsea released a statement clarifying their lack of interest in signing anyone: "we would like to make it clear that just because our Manager of Chief Executive are seen in public places talking to players contracted to other clubs without said clubs permission, this is purely coincidental and is in no way an intention to unsettle the player."

Ah Fergie

We wanted to interview Mr Kenyon but were told he was busy with a lunch commitment in Liverpool at a charming little bistro: Chez Gerrard.

The statement has done nothing to placate Rio's boss, Alex Ferguson. He exclusively told the Bag "I ne'er heard such a bag o' sh*te in all ma life. If they f**kin' want him they just go an' f**k 'emsel's. Aye, you can tell 'em tha' from me."