Celebration game

Football officials have threatened to come down hard on Premier League players "doing the bag".

Celebrations

After reports last week that an online betting company had offered players £10,000 if they performed a goal celebration that tied into their new vehicle for fleecing cash-rich/sense-light football fans, other companies have been queuing up to take advantage of footballers' greed - including your very own Onion Bag.

Roses

"We've offered a year's supply of bagged onions for any professional who does the Bag Jive following a goal," boasted marketing guru Ernesto Cockgroupier. "We've poached the old geyser and the sour-faced cow off of the judging panel of Strictly Come Dancing to choreograph it. Millions have already seen John Sergeant perform it in his last dance on the show."

Quality Street

The move, which involves a series of body-pops, facial contortions and the miming of the Onion Bag's web address has been slammed by football authorities: "There's no place for money-spinning publicity stunts in football," blustered an FA spokesman. "Unless, of course, we get a cut."

Miniature Heroes

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