The Boo Wembleys

England players are scared of playing at Wembley as they believe that it is the stadium itself which is responsible for them being booed by the crowd.

Coaching staff have voiced their concerns that their home stadium seems to bring the worst out of everyone and believes that the building itself is to blame.

Things that go bump...

"There is something about this creaky old place" said England captain Rio Ferdinand while cowering in a murky press centre in the bowels of the grand old stadium. "I feel bad spirits have wandered through here and it's infecting everyone"

Critics believe that Wembley Stadium contains too many unhappy memories in its long nineteen month history. Staff believe that certain sections of the old place are haunted. A string of night porters have quit after a few shifts complaining of seeing the ghost of a ginger haired man carrying an oversized umbrella wandering through the corridors.

Squeak

"The stadium does seem to have a strange effect on everyone who enters" says Igor, a member of the cleaning staff and hot dog vendor on match day. "The spectators just sit there, wondering what's going on. Some seem to think they are there for a concert. When they realise that it's a football match they get angry and start barracking."

The most recent occurrence was last Saturday after England narrowly beat Kazakhstan 5-1 in an unconvincing display. At one point in the second half, a large section of the crowd suddenly noticed that Ashley Cole was not Mick Hucknall and started to boo him. Fashion icon and international superstar David Beckham had to be sent on the pitch to calm them down.

Be careful what you wish for

Dr Julius Limbani of the Croydon Institute of Mass Delusion has an explanation other tan brick and mortar. "You can dress it up in as many fancy words as you like" he said "but the bottom line is that most of the people who turn up for these games are idiots with too much money. We need a global recession to thin out their numbers"