Repent force

The entire Premier League has decided to seek absolution for all their sins, following the confirmation of news that they will all be going straight to Hull sometime in the next 12 months.

Flipping Hull

Churches of all denominations have reported a tidal wave of repentance from officials and players in England's top flight, immediately after the final whistle in the Championship play-off final on Saturday.

"Our greed has come back to haunt us," an unnamed Premier League Chief Executive told intrepid Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "The money, the power, the women - I don't care about them all now - I just don't want to go Hull!"

Hull or high-water

"It's hardly a surprise really," the newly ordained Right Reverend Gavin Peacock told us. "The Premier League is the new Sodom and Gomorrah, I know this for a fact - I read it on an AFC Wimbledon BBS. These teams are going to Hull, they took the wages of sin and must pay the terrible price."

Hull to pay

Roman Abramovitch is facing the problem as usual by throwing money at it. He even tried to make up for sins of the past by buying wronged ex-manager Jose Mourinho a new super-car and firing his successor but Peacock warned these actions just make the situation worse.

Only Wigan boss Dave Whelan seemed to be pleased by the news: "I'm delighted another Rugby League team has made it to the top flight, finally we'll have a chance of selling out the stadium."