fifth columnists
OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 247 - 19 May 2008
The Onion Bag: Happier times
It's all his fault
Toecutter
Bag contemplates move on birthday
The Onion Bag is strongly linked with a move overseas as it's five-year contract comes to an end.
The funniest football satire website that is written on a Sunday, published on a Monday with an I and a G in its name was hoping to celebrate it's fifth anniversary with a renewed contract. "We've had talks" said Bag editor Duffman "At first I was confident we'd get an extension to 2010 but the owner has been having second thoughts."
Littlest hobo
The Bag owner is legendary web porn merchant Willhelm Van Clenchmonker. Up to now the Bag has been his plaything to do with as he sees fit. As a reward for this ritual humiliation, the Bag's crack(pot) team of writers has been put up in the now legendary Tactics Truck, traveling the football world desperatly searching for a cheap gag and usually finding one.
"It's been a great five years" said Webmaster, and Bag stalwart Sp3ktor "At least it was until Johnny Pundit moved in. Now we have to stop the truck every half an hour for him to take a piss and the less said about his laudanum induced trances the better."
Blame Steve
"It's impossible to imagine the Bag moving abroad" said veteran correspondent Castro who moved abroad in 2006. "It's the only reason why I'd ever return to your stinking country. Would you like to buy a dish drainer?"
The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak tried to obtain quote from bag contributors Dotmund and Sinj. However the former was concerned our man might invade his "special area" and the latter was still humpy about our ditching the Orion Bag.
Much more than a hunch
Financial experts believe that Van Clenchmonker's reluctance to commit to a new deal is down to England's demise in Euro 2008 qualification plus the failure of his latest porn site creditmunch.com to get off the carpet. Bag officials have responded quickly by launching a new Euro 2008 pull out with sexy babe game and handy Who To Support quiz for all those hollow eye football junkies who are single or don't have gardens.
Just a bit of fun
Potential destinations for the Bag are the subject of intense media speculation. The favourite is Nagoya Grampus 8 of the J-League. "When I heard we could be moving to Japan I nearly stubbed my toe with excitement" said Duffman "After all, it worked for Gary Lineker."
The Onion Bag is five.
Duffman
