The following is a transcript of Chelsea Manager Avram Grant's press conference to the written media ahead of the Champions League Semi-Final this Tuesday.
Hack: Avram, are you prepared to answer our questions in full this time?
Grant: Yes
Hack: Marvellous. In that case are you confident that you can get a result at Liverpool?
Grant: No
Another hack: Sorry, are you saying that do think you can get a result on Tuesday?
Grant: Orange
And another: Erm
"orange". What does that mean?
Grant: Boris Johnson
The first hack: Avram, it looks very much like you're using answers from Frank Lampard's questionnaire on his player profile in last weekend's match programme. Is this true?
Grant: Kerry Katona
A different hack, the second one I think: Look, we don't want to know which washed up pop star you most like to hurl a brick at. Nor do we want to know what the first album you ever bought was.
Grant: Michael Jackson's Off the Wall
Same hack: This is really juvenile. Are you going to answer our questions or not?
Grant: Toyota Prius
The hack before the last one. No not that one, the other one: You can't keep this up forever. We're very influential men you know?
Grant: Ocean's Eleven
Female hack: We're not all men you know?
The hack before: Yes all alright, and women. Jesus it's like some second rate Python send-up.
Grant: Morcambe & Wise
Any old hack: I don't believe this. Listen, we don't make these questions up on the spot you know? Hours of painstaking research go into them. So, for the last time. Do you think you can beat Liverpool?
Grant: The Bellagio Hotel Las Vegas
Martin Samuels: Fine. Be that way but I for one am definitely not even reading out that last question you deviant!
Grant: George Best's mottled corpse.
Peter Kenyon: This press conference is over!
Duffman
