There's lovely

Europe beckons Cardiff City after it was discovered that the club has English grandparents. The Bluebirds had feared that their UEFA Cup dreams were to be dashed owing to their undeniable Welshness, but their family tree has come to the rescue.

Born in Wales

UEFA rules clearly state that clubs must be from the country they are competing in to qualify for the club cup competitions, rules that would have denied Cardiff should they beat Portsmouth in the FA Cup next month.

Stern eurocrats were all too ready to enforce the cruel laws before Albert and Edith Cardiff-City were tracked down in their retirement home in Eastbourne and confirmed their Englishness.

Welsh mother

"We're as English as the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh," Albert chirpily told intrepid Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "Why only yesterday I complained about the number of darkies moving in after reading an article about it in the Daily Mail."

The news came as an immense relief to Cardiff chairman Peter Ridsdale. "The money we'll get from the Thursday 5.30 slot on Channel 5 will be a godsend. Hopefully we'll get one of the big boys like Levski Sofia or Skonto Riga. Millwall have already shown it's possible to compete in Europe and do well in the Championship."

Brother called Rhodri

But the revelation is bitter-sweet to the thousands of fiercly proud Welsh supporters of the club: "We'll just have to get used to fact we're English now," one fan told us as a tear ran down his coal-blackened face. "Since the news broke I've already become crap at rugby."