Candid kits

Furious football chiefs at the FA and Premier League are irate at the shelving of plans for goal-line technology because, the Onion Bag can exclusively reveal, the camera proposed to settle disputes can also see through players' kits.

It is feared the hi-tech camera will make a laughing stock of high profile, endorsement-heavy star players if their dodgy Y-fronts are caught on film.

Skid marks

The camera was developed for security checkpoints at airports and train stations before being proposed for football.

Goal-line plans were vetoed by the Organisation of Footballers Agents and Lawyers (OFAL).

Their spokesman, Ernesto Cockgroupier, told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak, "We can't have our clients' undies being exposed to the world. Well, not unless they're getting paid for it. I think the camera proposed to settle goal-line disputes is invasive and a breach of players' rights to privacy, not to mention embarrassing if someone's had a dodgy vindaloo the night before."

Streaks

But pant manufacturer Keks & Co has voiced its anger along with the FA and Premier League. "While goal disputes have a massive financial impact on football clubs, we are upset at the potential loss of revenue we'll suffer because our undies won't be on show," whined their CEO, J Michael Skiddy.

Players pants have rarely figured in football, causing some to wonder if they even wore them at all. The prospect of full, male genitalia being photographed has clean-minded do-gooders all a quiver. "Like any fan, I want to know if the ball has crossed the line," said Filth Out Of Football campaigner Les Dyke, "but I don't want to see any balls crossing the line. Not balls, bifids, fremens, nor foreskins, neither," he frothed.

X-Ray Spex

Dr Julius Limbani, the camera's inventor, said "I never intended my serious scientific work to be used so frivolously, enabling sordid gawkers to stare at footballers pants," he fumed. "I made it so I could knock one out while looking at birds in their knickers."