The FA-twa Cup

Controversial proposals to allow Sharia rules into football have caused uproar. The plans outlined by Archbishop of Football, Pope Trevor Brooking, have been roundly condemned by fans and officials alike.

Mecca No

Speaking after Egypt's successful defence of their African Cup of Nations title, Pope Trevor said that the introduction of hardline Islamic laws into the English game was "inevitable" if we were to integrate home-based muslims.

"A muslim country dominates African football - yet none of their winning team plays in the Premiership. If we're to be considered the best in the world we need to attract the best in the world - if this means we have to change the rules, so be it."

Ramadan

Pope Trevor also remarked that while British born muslims seem to be reaching the heights in sports like cricket and rugby league, they're failing to break through in the national game. "It has to be our blinkered western rules turning them away," he randomly guessed.

Early suggestions for possible rule changes have been the chopping off of feet following dangerous tackles and for referees assistants instead of flagging players in an offisde position, to stone them instead.

Ding Dong

Naming a mascot after the prophet Mohammed will be punishable by a public flogging and women's football teams will be required to replace their current kits with head-to-toe black burkahs.

The Archbishop's ill-informed opinions have met with equally ill-informed reaction: "It's political correctness gone Jihad," English football fans representative Nick Dogbolter frothed. "You couldn't make it up, what mugs we are, it's time to leave to leave the country, etc, etc."