Night Boat To Cairo

All Egypt rejoiced on Sunday after having won the right to host a Premier League match in 2011.

The League announced the so-called 39th Step last week. Extra matches will be played in foreign countries as a way of bringing the much loved English game to the World. The venues will go to whoever offers the most cash.

Live from Angola

However, since Africa is full of poor people who can't stop fighting each other, it was determined that the winners a small provincial tournament called the Africa Cup Of Nations would decide which nation would stage a match instead of money.

The tournament is of limited appeal only and is watched by malcontent bloggers and leftist homosexuals on Eurosport and BBC2. However, since Africans started playing in the Premier League the standard of competition has raised immeasurably. The quality still didn't match the world class competition offered by Chelsea v Liverpool which was on at the same time as the African Final. However this was a perfect opportunity to get the thorny issue of an African venue out of the way.

How old must he be now?

Egypt played out a reasonably absorbing encounter with Cameroon and just about deserved their victory against Roger Milla's men. Premier League Director (Commercial Development) Ernesto Cockgroupier was delighted: "Egypt is a thriving market for English Football and a hell of a lot easier to find than Cameroon. Is that actually a real country?"

The times they are a...

One Premier League manager is not happy about the whole idea of these extra games: "I 'already 'ave to let my darkies go to Africa every two years," he told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "Now I 'av to send me 'ole team. It's not the same world I was born in."

A prominent agent we spoke to was disappointed Ghana did not win: "My cousin has an unlicensed training academy in Accra," he said. "We could have smuggled a couple of promising boys in the boot of the team coach while we were out there. Oh well, easy come easy go."