SAS to the rescue

Budget airlines have pledged to come to the rescue of outraged football fans unable to travel abroad to support their clubs if plans to play matches overseas go ahead.

The likes of easyJet, Ryanair, and Bingowings plan to introduce an airborne version of the infamous "football special" trains to ferry fans abroad.

Clapped-out bangers

Football specials were old, clapped out trains laid on to transport drunken football thugs up and down the country before everyone in England owned their own car. They were notoriously slow, late, and without a buffet trolley.

Knackered Fockers and Boeings will be dusted down for the job. Their limited range means the planes will stop regularly en route to fuel-up, doubling the journey time of a typical flight. Planes will therefore depart at least a week in advance of the game.

Terror measures

Premier League chairmen have already dismissed fears that airports will become magnets for sozzled football thugs.

Spokesmen Rick Cash slithered, "Existing "terror measures" in place at airports will prevent rival fans from bottling departing aircraft and generally causing trouble."

But Les Dyke, chairman of the Committee for the Safety of Football Fans, whined, "Bringing back football specials is a bad idea. If the planes are to be anything like the old trains, it'll be a disaster. People will be pissing in the aisles, hanging out of windows, and generally causing a nuisance. I also fear for those living under the flight paths," he jibbered.

Kebabs on every flight

easyJet chairman Stelios Somethingorothererkos told us, "Hallo peeps. Stelios 'ere, innit? Fly easyJet to watch the Arse in Florence for ten quid, innit? Flights leave tomorrow for de match in five years time. Iss all safe and not crashy. You want chilli sauce, boss?"