Balls, Dash and Piffle

Champions League final loser and Liverpool winger Harry Kewell is set to enter the Oxford English Dictionary, according to word wizards who compile the famous dictionary.

The definition: Kewell adj. worthless, a waste of space, useless, will appear in the next edition of the renowned reference tool.

Book boffins at the OED were quick to act after last week's Champions League final, which Liverpool lost 2-1 to AC Milan and where Kewell came on as a substitute with half an hour to go and proceeded to do precisely nothing. His appearance echoes his brief showing the last time the two clubs met in Europe's premier final, where he was substituted with an injury early on after doing not much at all.

Pop tart

The decision to include the word will also form part of BBC telly programme Balderdash and Piffle, where the etymology of words and phrases is traced. Host Victoria Coren, who once made a porn film, told The Onion Bag's Larry Gak, "We are trying to trace the first use of Kewell in this context. All signs point to it first being heard in Leeds, but a few people maintain they heard it used as far away as Australia."

Bakewell tart

Experts are not surprised at the possibility of the word first being used down under. According to Dr Julius Limbani, editor of the OED, "All Australians are lazy, good-for-nothings. And probably thieves, too. That's why they were sent so far away. Now excuse me while I update the word to reflect my own opinion," he burbled, cross-eyed and wavering in his own mess.

Bracewell tart

The Onion Bag attempted to add the word to the popular online reference tool, Urban Dictionary, but they rejected our submission because they were too busy approving quality words and phrases such as kablastafucked, cleveland steamer, and munterhunter.

Kewell will join a growing list of little-known football-related words in the OED, such as sportsmanship, dignity, and values, none of which we checked because you have to pay.