Mission Implausible

Funny old thing, Football. Almost by definition, really. I mean, who'd have thunk it: Leeds relegated! Whatever next: England players win a game against credible opposition?

The First Division in old money

Out with a couple of pals on Thursday. Fothergill of the Light Programme and Henry Ham, Football Correspondent for the Cartoon Channel. Leeds' relegation was the item on the agenda. It got us thinking: Leeds, Glory Glory Leeds United, one of THE teams of the '70s, the last winners of the proper Championship; relegated to the Third Division (in old money). For a couple of hours in The Mixed Metaphor, the commentators' watering hole in London's fashionable Soho, we played keepie-uppie with Implausibles. Football being football, there were quite a few.

Froth

"I once saw Fergie agree with a linesman", said Fothers. Ham harrumphed. "That's nothing. I once witnessed Wenger noticing one of his players making a foul." I swirled the froth on my light ale. "I was in a pub once with George Best. I offered to buy him a pint but he said 'No thanks, I'll just have a half – I'm off home to watch Midsomer Murders." Owlishly, Fothers narrowed his eyes at me. "That's not true, is it?" I had to admit it wasn't.

Can't we all just get along?

After the third light ale things decidedly took a turn for the worse as we traded headlines. "Bolton win Fair Play Award for sixth time." "Steve Coppell declares: I love life!" "Roy Keane speaks out: Hey, can't we all just get along?" So, Liverpool fans, maybe even Charlton fans: there's hope yet. England fans: forget it. There's a slim but important difference between 'implausible' and 'impossible'.

Yours aye,