Statuesque

Funny old thing, football. Take statues, for instance. Often controversial. Though none as controversial as Ted Bates' outside Southampton's ground...

Underfed leprachaun

Of course, I knew old Ted well. But this hoo hah over his statue beggars belief - Southampton supporters saying it's not his likeness, and so on. True, his head's the size of Southampton docks and his legs are those of an underfed leprachaun, but somehow I felt it captured the spirit of the man.

I may not know about Art

After all, it's an artist's impression, is it not? And we all know their impressions leave a lot to be desired. I once shared digs with a painter called Bernie and I have to say, his Harold Macmillan was appalling. But no, seriously, it's the artist's vision, isn't it? Though you can understand Southampton fans being faintly disappointed that this particular artist's vision comprised of Ted Bates looking like Milan Mandaric. Bit like having a statue of Bernard Matthews outside the offices of the Vegan Society (I gather that's since been taken down).

Outsize onion (bag)

Still, Ted may look like someone's pulled each arm till it stretched, had his legs shrunk in the wash then had his head replaced with that of another statue entirely, but at least the fellah's GOT a statue. Not all of us get statues, you know. 546 appearances for West Ham, but last time I walked down to the Boleyn Ground, believe you me I didn't see my own face grinning back at me, oh no. Over fifty goals for Huddersfield Town, but not so much as a community hall named after Pundit; that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Oh yes. All I get's this lousy column on this so-called 'website'; and let's face it, no bugger ever reads it anyhow. Tell you what, give me funny arms and no legs and a head like an outsize onion, I wouldn't care; a statue's a statue any day.

I don't know what old Ted's complaining about.