Football rushed to hospital

The game of football collapsed unconscious last night, in its hotel room.

Football had been out on Sunday in a night club in London, relaxing after an arduous round of international fixtures and was found this morning lying in the bath covered in its own excrement.

If I could talk to the animals

Dr Sepp Blatter was the duty clinician at St Thomas' Hospital when the patient was rushed into the Emergency Room. "Football is very ill" he told an angry mob of football journalists "I'm afraid that the end could come at any time."

Football has been the number one sport in the world since the game's humble beginnings in the boardrooms of trans-national media companies during the early nineties. Over time the game grew in stature and popularity. Today it brings delight to millions of satellite TV subscribers all over the world.

Scapegoat

Lately however, critics have accused football of being too slow and boring. Newspaper reports of high wages, sex scandals and punch-ups have put a stain on what was once called the Beautiful Game.

Conspiracy theorists believe that Football is the victim of a murder attempt from gangsters involved in match fixing. Police found a large number of betting slips in the hotel room adding up to hundreds of thousands of Euros on a single result. Andorra 1 England 0 (Lampard og). Bookmakers have narrowed the odds on England's next game as a precaution.

Circle of Life

Meanwhile, as overworked NHS nurses tend to the game in what could be its final moments, scores of well-wishers and investors are holding a vigil outside the hospital hoping and praying that Football does not die. Some of them had a kick-about to relieve the boredom. The final score was Skins 8 Suits 7. Although the suits reckoned the decider was offside by a mile and have called for a video replay.