Arch enemies

The FA's plans to move into the much delayed new Wembley Stadium, have hit yet another snag with squatters having already made a new home in the property.

Dog on a string

The association chiefs thought the months of delays and setbacks were behind them when they finally pick up the keys to the showpiece venue late on Friday. Only when they turned up to the Stadium the following morning did they find that New Age travelers had made it there own.

"This place being empty, that's criminal," a dirty, unwashed spokesman for the squatters known as "Moonchild" told intrepid Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "This place can put up more than 80,000 people, yet most of the time it's going to be unused."

Harmless tobacco

Moonchild told of how his destiny brought him to the new Wembley, or it could have been the Jubliee Line, either way he and his many children and sexual partners were happy and comfortable, and, until the eviction notice gets processed, are there to stay.

News of the free-for-all on Wembley's hallowed, and as yet unplayed on, turf has soon spread, with many more undesirables taking residence. Local residents have complained of a gypsy camp being set up in the centre circle and livestock auctions taking place in the changing rooms.

Get orf my land

Officials are struggling to get the new dwellers evicted in time for the FA Cup Final in May. "We're doing everything in our power to get rid of them," a withering Brian Barwick told us yesterday. "One of them even had the cheek to come around my house and offer to tarmac my drive. To tell the truth he did offer a good deal - it was only when my wife pointed out that he was a Director from Multiplex that I told him to sling his hook."