Number Crunching

A brawl between the touring Chinese Olympic football team and Queens Park Rangers during an ultimately abandoned friendly last week started when a Rangers player was alleged to have shouted, "I'll have the number 7."

Battle Creek Brawl

An eyewitness told the Onion Bag: "The match suddenly exploded into something almost interesting. I've never seen anything like it in my life. There were punches, nunchuks, kung-fu kicks and all sorts. It was absolute mayhem." One of the China players was subsequently hospitalised.

Friend of Alan Green

QPR reserve team full-back Gary Useless claims he was merely stating who he would be marking and not, as blinkered do-gooders have suggested, making an offensive jibe based on the fact the many Chinese restaurants use a numbering system on the menu.

"I would never have said something like that. And if I had, well, them Japs don't never speak no English anyways, do they?" he remarked while pulling his eyebrows wide with his fingers, before adding in a mock Chinese accent: "Me no understandee".

Sing My Song

But China centre forward Ding Mi Dong, who only speaks Mandarin, told our translator a different version of events. In a deep, strangely American accent, Dong recalled, "This guy, well, he said I have offended his family and offended the Shaolin temple. I had dishonoured him and so he wanted to fight everyone. So I said to him, if you wanna fight. Fight me,".

Quite why Dong's lips kept moving for a few more seconds remains a mystery. He then proceeded to take on every player on the pitch in an orderly fashion, defeating them one at a time.

Police Academy

The Onion Bag's Larry Gak thought actor Michael Winslow, who played martial arts expert and human sound effects machine Larvell Jones in the hilarious Police Academy films would be perfectly suited to comment on the kung fu fight, but he just said: "Vroom! Beep! Honk! Honk! Ha-ha."