Texas Oldham

Football clubs in and around Manchester are desperate to reap the financial benefits of the opening of Britain's first Super Casino.

Gambling fever has swept the region and it has taken no time for the opportunistic money-grabbers behind the area's numerous football clubs to see how they can take advantage of the situation.

Read 'em and weep

Market analyst and casino expert, Ernesto Cockgroupier, explained the benefits awaiting clubs looking for a slice of the action: "Football clubs and casinos have very similar objectives - they both attract thousands of stupid people willing to sacrifice large sums of money for no guarantee of entertainment or success."

The Casino will be a stone's throw away from Manchester City's Eastlands Stadium, which is extremely convenient for Chris Collison - one of the five people on the judging panel deciding where it should be located - as he is City season ticket holder.

Snake eyes watching you

Manchester City boss, Stuart Pearce was delighted at the prospect of the new casino opening on his doorstep. "This will be a fantastic boost for the area. It'll attract people to the club and create a loads of new jobs - I might even apply for some myself."

The Casino will reflect the flavour of the surrounding area. New games will be introduced: Texas Hold'em poker being replaced with Oldham Hold'em. Of course, in true northern tradition all the betting chips will come with mushy peas.

And don't forget the Joker

Critics of the plans have slated the choice of location, saying it will lead to widespread gambling addiction. Wayne Rooney has already been extended a generous line of credit, a penthouse suite and all the TV sets he can shoot.