Jose's Job for Jobs

Chelsea's recent up-and-down form will be remedied by the appointment of Steve Jobs, CEO of fashionable American computer company, Apple, as their new boss.

The Blues' owner Roman Abramovich believes the inventor of the popular iPod gadget is just the person to revitalise his jaded club after becoming among the first to own one of Apple's new iPhones. Jobs' Apple will redesign the players and image of the club, giving them a sleek new appeal, intuitive usability, and a new name: iTeam.

Jobbies

The deal was announced by Jobs at the end of his recent keynote speech at the MacWorld 2007 Expo, where he famously unveils supposedly cool products to the spluttering excitement of nerds and geeks everywhere.

Jobs said, "95% of iPod sales in the UK are to Premiership footballers, with stupid accessory-obsessed women and gay men making up the remainder. Acquiring a football team and transforming it with our own unique brand of innovation into the iTeam will expand our portfolio of 'i' products." As well as the iPod, Apple also make the popular iWhore, iHat, and iPhone.

Poop

Rumours have already started about how Apple will change the team. It is likely they will give it an attractive, brushed-metal facade, fill it with proprietary players who will only work on one team, and guarantee it malfunctions after two years. The excessive price tag, however, will remain.

But gadget eggeads are worried about Jobs' iTeam, fearing it will crash when it starts up because of the tired management cliche which states that there is no 'i' in 'team'.

Blumpkin

Chelsea are not the only team taking unconventional steps to re-boot their fortunes. Elsewher, Real Madrid - home of the so-called 'Galacticos'- have, in a move lost in translation, hired the people who successfully reversioned cheesy cute 70s sci-fi TV show Battlestar Galactica into a hard-edged nifty actioner for today's X-Box generation. Or something. David Beckham will play Starbuck.