Johnny Bags a Gong

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, award ceremonies. Commentators are as partial to awards as the next egotistical maniac and last week saw the Annual Commentators' Awards. 'The Mottys', as they're jocularly called. Your columnist had the honour to be honoured…

Exaggerated wine bar

It's a black tie do, The Mottys. Despite taking place in The Mixed Metaphor, the pundits' watering hole in London's fashionable Soho; which really isn't much more than an exaggerated wine bar. Of course, Hansen did well again. As usual, he won 'Commentator Most In Danger of Actually Being In Possession of An Insight'. My old pal Henry Ham got 'Most Adaptable Commentator' in a year which has seen him act as football correspondent for the Topless Darts channel, The Weather Channel, the Golf Channel, Songs of Praise, and the website 'Ireallyhatefootball.com'.

The buffers of Brad Friedel

Talking of pals, Fothergill also did well at the awards, winning the coveted 'Most Over-Extended Metaphor category'. With this from last season's Blackburn vs Bolton affair: '…and Prudeau's gone through the Blackburn defence like a steam train, he's crashed across the junction of their offside trap, he's the 4.44 from the halfway line and he's making tracks – oh, he's hit the buffers of Brad Friedel!' The resulting collision meant Prudeau didn't play again that season. Fothers drily noted: 'There goes Prudeau's season ticket. No more choo-choo for Pru-Pru.' Sheer class, d'you see?

Most impressive basic mistake

After Most Impressive Basic Mistake – won by Lewis Lewis of Radio Cardiff for commentating on pictures of Real vs Barca as if they were Swansea vs Crystal Palace ('I must say, this Coca-Cola Cup Tie has really seen both teams raise their standards') - I was invited onto what passed for a stage. Yes, readers, I received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Motson lad himself. Can't say I really appreciated his line about 'And it'll take you a lifetime to work out exactly what it is he HAS achieved!' But no matter. Suffice to say, any lifetime without football is no achievement at all.

Merry Christmas to you and yours,