Riches to rags

Arsenal and England defender Sol Campbell has been found alive and well but is quitting the game that made him famous to set up his own haute-couture design house.

Campbell was last seen wandering aimlessly about the Highbury pitch on Wednesday evening during Arsenal's defeat to West Ham, but has been found busily creating new lines of clothing in London's fashionable West End.

Fashion victim

Many have feared for his safety and well-being, citing he has personal problems. It has emerged, however, that the crisis of confidence stems from a chance meeting with BBC fashion bitches, Trinny and Susannah, who literally tore him off a strip for what he wears - "Look at him, he earns £100K a week and yet every time he's on the telly, he's wearing the same redcurrant polyester top. I'm just glad it looks like he's not going to be wearing white come the summer", the skinny one told us.

Hanging by a thread

Insiders say that the centre-half has found a warm home amongst the simple folk of the fashion industry - a world away from the bitchy, back-biting prima donnas of the modern game of professional football. "It's so refreshing", he told the Onion Bag. "It's a much simpler life. They don't care how you play - just how you look."

Needle Match

Sol is using all his spare time to work on his summer collection. Primark have already knocked-off his designs and are selling them at £3 a pop. "Frankly we are having trouble keeping up with the constant change in design", one of their sweatshop overseers said. "Personally, I think they do it deliberately to exploit their customers."