Jose Dodges Draft

The Irish FA are to use legal trickery to install Jose Mourinho as a coach for the national team alongside Steve Staunton and Sir Bobby Robson, the Onion Bag can exclusively reveal.

A clause in an old contract could be brought into play, according to legal experts, forcing him out of his current position at Chelsea and on to the coaching staff for the Republic. The clause was a little used rider placed when he joined Sporting Lisbon.

Special

The special one, as he's known, was immediately hired as translator for Robson when it emerged that he could understand everything that the confused old man said. So scared were they that they would lose Mourinho, Robson's people drew up a binding contract that included a re-activation clause should he ever be required again.

Very few people have the gift of turning unintelligable ramblings into any sort of sense. Probably the most famous translator of this kind was Ernie Roberts, friend of eighties TV spacker Joey Deacon.

Brave

Joey was featured on children's TV show Blue Peter, where his dribbling and grunting made him famous throughout the playgrounds of the nation. Ernie, his life-long friend could understand every word: "What's that you say, Joey? You want me to come and live in the house that the Blue Peter children bought for you? And bring all my mates too? What's that...? You want to give me all your money from your book too? Oh, thank you Joey. You're a special friend."

Harsh words

The legal team at Chelsea are attempting to forge a deal with the FIA, but the Irish are stubbornly holding out for their man.

An official statement from Sir Bobby Robson said: "mmmmnnggg buh uurrmmm gnum burggh," comments that have further outraged Mourinho.