Orange Wednesdays

Trouble flared in Northern Ireland over the weekend as members of the Protestant Orange Order complained that midweek goal hero David Healy did not have enough of the colour orange in his kit.

Democratic Right

The riots erupted when celebrations that began on Wednesday after Northern Ireland's historic 1-0 victory over England were still going well into Saturday night. Loaded members of the Orange Order, who like to parade wherever and whenever they like, drunkenly observed that Healy's kit was more green than orange. Incensed, they demanded the right to parade, lob bricks, and generally terrorise anyone who got in their way.

Police chief Sir Cormac Murphy O'Knacker claimed the Orangemen were just out to cause trouble but felt the real blame lay with kit manufacturers Umbro. "Sports companies should know more about politics," he stupidly declared.

"Dirty" Sanchez"

Northern Ireland manager Lawrie Sanchez last night donned riot gear and attempted to speak with the Orangemen in an effort to end the disturbances. But despite telling them that the new official drink of the Northern Ireland national side was Tango, the trouble continued.

Sprite

And in a chilling, cryptic message to Sanchez's goal hero, David Healy, it was discovered this morning that all the burnt out cars used as barricades by the rioters were in fact classic Austin Healys. David Healy is now under protective custody.